This post is also available in Russian 🐻

How I spent 8 months in Thailand and (barely) survived. A no-nonsense guide to the island for travelers and downshifters with a twist.

In the summer of 2016, I moved to Phuket chasing a new job and a thirst for change. It’s been over a year since I got back. The nostalgia has mostly faded, and I can finally tell the story of this long, painful experience. In pictures and short notes.

What is Phuket, anyway?

Phuket is a small island and a province in southern Thailand. 576 square kilometers of jungle, villages, and sandy beaches.

There are some hills, lots of sea, and a MEGACITY of 83,000 people. But mostly, it’s paradise for tourists from Russia, Germany, and China.

The island isn’t isolated — it’s connected to the mainland by the Sarasin Bridge. Just in case you need to get the hell out fast.

The west coast is all about tourist beaches and nightlife. The east? Fishing villages, town life, and run-down areas for locals.

Island climate

**Fun fact: ** one time we were coming back from the mall in a taxi. There was ankle-deep water inside the car, and on the opposite lane a Thai guy calmly paddled by in a kayak ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

We arrived in August, just after high season, facing six months of tropical downpours. They say April brings unbearable heat and drought — but we didn’t live to see it.

Had to get used to the heat and brutal humidity. Took a shower in the morning — didn’t dry off until eight months later in Russia.

You get used to it quickly. Especially when you realize there’s no need to buy a new coat or fleece-lined pants. I have to say, 35°C on the island feels way easier than 27°C in Moscow.

Even the homeless have air conditioning. That’s why everyone indoors is freezing, getting sick, popping antibiotics, and getting even sicker.

Moving your flesh around

**Fun fact: ** a girl once pulled out of a driveway and hit a Thai guy driving on the wrong shoulder. She spent a year in rehab, got blamed for it, and barely got off the hook ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

There’s barely any public transport in Phuket. Walking is not an option (especially if you don’t have legs). A taxi costs about 1500 rubles/hour and will show up in two.

Best to order a scooter through your hotel. There’s a janky Uber clone — Grab Taxi — it has like one and a half cars and may stop somewhere within a kilometer of your chosen location.

You can get around by car, but the most popular way is a motorbike. Whatever you choose, it won’t be easy.

Two things are hardest to adapt to: Thai driving style, and literally everything else.

It’s left-hand traffic. There are no rules. You can drive without a license, run red lights, be drunk, and ride against traffic. But you might get arrested for vaping.

Lots of accidents. You’ll often see another farang gracefully lying in a puddle of something red on the highway.

The first time I rode a bike, I crashed it immediately. Two weeks later, drunk, I raced some gangsters and nearly died. Sanity gets confiscated at Thai customs.

But worse than death is hitting a Thai — he’ll be right even if he was riding blindfolded, on the wrong side, with five people on one scooter.

From the hospital, they’ll send you straight to jail rehab or take your kidneys as a bribe. Bribes are normal. Everyone gives, everyone takes.

The official fine for riding without a license is 500 baht (about 1000 rubles). Police don’t check often, so most people don’t bother.

Honestly, I wouldn’t drive at all. It’s like playing Russian roulette — but the wheel only has red slots.

Amped-up jungle creatures from hell

**Fun fact: ** having a gecko fall on your head is bad luck and practically a legal reason for a Thai not to show up to work. It happens more often than you’d think ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I was sure a snake would crawl out of the toilet on day one and inject me with its deadly venin.

Alas, the only snake I met was a friendly python in a bar, and I paid 100 baht to hold it.

Friends got bitten by centipedes, visited by kraits, and one even got eaten by a jellyfish. But unless you go butt-first into the jungle, running into a dangerous serpent or spider isn’t that easy.

That said, you’ll get used to house geckos (tokay), monitor lizards, ants, and cat-sized butterflies.

In the sea though, it’s easy to step on a sea urchin, bump into a sea krait, and go on a permanent unpaid vacation.

All kinds of antivenoms are available at Vachira Hospital in Phuket Town. If a krait bites you and there’s traffic on Chao Fa Road — you’re done.

Working under a palm tree

**Fun fact: ** once I tried working outside, like a true downshifter. A massive flying cockroach landed on me within a minute. Half an hour later, my heel was being gently tickled by a red-eyed rat. I disinfected with Listerine externally and gin internally — and decided home + Wi-Fi is superior ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Time difference with Moscow is 4 hours. It gets dark year-round at 6. If you’re working Moscow hours, you have to do all the interesting stuff in the morning.

My most interesting thing was sleeping. So I only had fun on weekends. That kind of life leads to weight gain and deep disdain for your own miserable existence.

Stationary internet sucks: Wi-Fi drops, is slow, or just nonexistent. Mobile internet is a lifesaver.

I had the pleasure of working with the amazing Aviasales team. The only thing that kept me in Thailand for the full eight months.

You can find a job locally. Tons of companies with Russian roots — always looking for Russian-speaking admins.

Farangs aren’t allowed to legally work as photographers, manicurists, waxers, or in any similar service jobs.

If they catch you on the beach with a tripod and serious gear, you’ll pay a huge fine, land in the monkey cage, and get deported.

Choosing your tropical crib

**Cool story: ** a girl rented an apartment where a pipe with literal crap burst. The stench was unbearable, but no one did anything — because “it’s fine as it is” ¯_(ツ)_/¯

A lot of people dream of a jungle hut — with a pool and palm trees. We lived in one for two months and ran back to a European-style condo.

Jungle hut means a gecko pooped in your tea, ants ate your bread, and the store is only accessible by scooter. At night. In the rain.

European-style condos are scattered across the island, but the top spot is Rawai and the residential complex The Title.

Right across the street there’s a beach with longtails and lots of cafés — not totally swamped with tourists. The store is within walking distance.

Just five minutes away is Naiharn Beach, which isn’t another Russian resort. And just behind it — the wildish Ao Sane, my favorite spot in Phuket.

Nearby is Promthep Cape, the southernmost point of the island. In the evening, all three billion Chinese tourists gather there to watch the sunset.

Best local bar? Mad Mohally’s. Run by a grumpy old Irish guy named Bran and his Thai wife, May. If you’re a good boy, Bran might reward you with a joint.

If you’re headed to Phuket — stay in Rawai. Don’t fall for hooker-party Patong or the snobbish Dusit and Bangtao.

Prices are similar to Moscow. We paid 14,000 baht for the jungle house and 23,000 for a one-bedroom condo. Multiply by two.

Short-term and high-season rentals are 1.5–2x more expensive.

Island of Sin

**Cool story: ** once, a trans person with an umbrella saw me getting soaked in the rain and offered to walk me home. Had to buy my freedom for 300 baht to keep them from entering — in every sense ¯_(ツ)_/¯

There’s not a ton to do on the island. If you’re staying long-term, the first few months will mostly be drinking or getting high nonstop.

For that kind of pastime, Patong is ideal — the beach area with the infamous Bangla Road.

Bangla is the local red-light district. It has everything, including ice bars chilled to -15°C.

Best expat-approved girlie bar? Suzy Wongs — a strip club with perks. Entry’s free. Drinks aren’t.

In the loud restaurant-style hall, between laughter and lies, you can whack half-naked women with foam bats. They’ll hit back.

No photos allowed — a specially trained bouncer will take your camera and, if you’re lucky, just delete the pictures.

There’s a nearby gay bar where we once left behind a drunk fellow countryman during the chaos. Shortly after, he mysteriously returned to Russia. Correlation ≠ causation.

In Rawai, there’s the legendary Reggae Bar. You’ll find it by following the trail of drunk expats along the lake near Naiharn Beach.

The founder of Aviasales, Kostya Kalinov, used to DJ there. Then he died. Stay sharp.

Trans people are everywhere. Despite all the horror stories, it’s actually pretty easy to tell them apart from the opposite sex.

Phuket for the Calm and Quiet

**Cool story: ** once I got caught in a rip current and nearly got dragged out to sea. That’s how I learned not to swim straight into the waves and always paddle parallel to shore — otherwise you’ll burn all your energy fighting the tide ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Sooner or later, you’ll get tired of the booze and need to find your own way out of the blue hole. Everyone’s ladder is different.

Thrill-seekers go poke the jungle with their junk, ride CRF bikes and surf the waves. The spiritual types do yoga and “practices” (read: weed and napping).

Calm and apathetic folks like me start hunting for equally calm and apathetic activities.

Around 5:30 pm you should head to a beach on the west coast. Sunsets are the best thing this island has to offer.

Sunrises are fire too, but you’ll need to get up at 5 am.

During the day, try renting a paddleboard (basically a surfboard for seniors — with a paddle and less chance of dying).

Another wet option is snorkeling. Rent a mask and go hunting sea creatures. They’re colorful and weird.

Near Chalong, there’s a zoo with mangy animals and tranquilized crocs. It’s depressing. And overpriced.

The island’s main town is Phuket Town. You’ll find a handful of cool colonial buildings and tons of great spots to hang.

There’s also Khao Rang, aka Monkey Hill — good for one-time monkey business.

On Sunday nights, Thalang Walking Street opens up — one of my favorite places on the island.

Here you can hear Thai covers, pick up local crafts, grab sushi rolls for 8 baht each — and start drinking again.

A bit west is a big night market, where you can buy fake Nikes for the price of real ones. Tons of street food, crafts, and curious trinkets.

Right behind it is the Central Festival mall — home to all the H&Ms and Zaras your heart desires.

The Festival has a cinema with movies in English. Before the show, they play the anthem and show the king.

A must-visit spot: Nai Yang Beach near the airport. Jump high enough and you can slap a landing plane’s belly.

There are also shooting ranges, go-karts, golf, and other stuff I never got around to trying. That’s about it for activities.

The Best Thai Food — European

**Cool story: ** all the expats order instant noodles, buckwheat, and mayo from the newcomers. Cigarettes are smuggled in packs through flight attendants because the local ones are made from dried crap ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Most Thai friends are crazy about Thai food. To me, all local food tastes like rice with rotten fish sauce. After 8 months, I never grew to like spicy dishes with a hint of yesterday’s vomit.

Fortunately, Phuket has plenty of Italian restaurants run by real Italians. The food there is amazing.

My favorites are the pizzeria M&M by Meggy and Mario and Cecconi (I haven’t even eaten pasta like that in Bologna). Both are in Rawai.

When nostalgia hits — find the canteen Russian Delicacies for authentic pelmeni, borscht, and roly-polies.

Local alcohol — fake whiskey, gin, Singha and Chang beer. After drinking those, I ended up in a vomit coma for two days every time. But the hardened expats drink without consequences.

Proper imported booze is expensive. Basic Old World wine starts at 2,000 rubles. Decent whiskey — 3-4 thousand. Something like sherry is hard to get.

Corner shops sell Australian and New Zealand analogues, but their effect is even worse than fake Thai meat.

Affordable and safe alternatives — Korean soju vodka, sake, French anise-flavored Pastis, and, surprisingly, Grappa.

Cultural Quirks

**The coolest story: ** Thai people from a Russian IT company sabotaged work for a whole week because their colleague was cursed by a witch. The witch used to be a colleague but was fired. The curse was powerful: the Thai guy suddenly started speaking in a northern dialect, though he’s from the South and never been to the North. For healing, he turned to a cleaning lady, who was an even bigger witch. The situation got complicated because the cursed guy was undergoing gender reassignment surgery ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Besides superstitions, there are other cultural quirks that look funny and stupid from the outside.

The worst thing for a Thai is to lose face. Even if a Thai person is acting crazy, you can’t stop or argue with them.

Never shout or pressure Thais. You won’t get anywhere with that. Any problems must be solved in sabai mode.

Your beautiful English is useless in Thailand. Only loud and simple words work: HOW MUCH BLYAD, BIG SIZE, SAME SAME, and GIN FIZZ PLEASE. You have to explain with gestures and learn Thai-English.

Generally, Thais are friendly, safe, and always try to help. But it rarely works out.

In Phuket, you can be anywhere at any time. Just don’t insult the king and don’t tattoo Buddha on your ass.

Upcoming Travels

**Cool story: ** Chinese tourists wear life jackets even if the water is ankle-deep ¯_(ツ)_/¯

In a month, the island gets unbearably boring. At first, you try spending weekends on party beaches, but you quickly get tired of that too. Luckily, you can get off the island fast and cheap.

From Rawai Beach, for a couple thousand baht you can sail on a longtail boat to one of the nearby islands packed with Chinese tourists.

Here’s a lifehack: the Chinese are dropped off as a group in the middle of the beach and stay exactly where they land. Even on the overcrowded Coral Island, you can find an empty stretch of sand if you go to the beach’s corner.

The nicest island with white beaches is Ko Racha Yai — it’s less crowded, has great resorts and amazing snorkeling.

Better not feed the marine life — the fish police will catch you, whip you with a salmon, and fine you 15,000 baht.

On the mainland near the island, there’s the beautiful Phang-nga National Park and Krabi province. They say both places are thousands of times better than Phuket, but I haven’t checked.

For the weekend, you can head to Samui — a small island in the Similan archipelago. Not much to do there, but far fewer tourists and a more authentic vibe.

I can’t recommend Bangkok, though many like it. It’s a huge city whose infrastructure hasn’t grown to match its size.

The biggest mistake is booking a room in the tallest hotel, Baiyoke Sky. Prices are just as high, but service and interior are worse than a basement parking lot.

Old-timers also praise Chiang Mai and Chiang Rai provinces in the North, but again, I can’t personally recommend them.

In my opinion, it’s much nicer to use Asian low-cost carriers and fly for a few hundred bucks to Hong Kong or Singapore. But I’ll tell you about those places in a separate post.

Homecoming

Eight long and memorable months later, I realized the best decision was to leave for good. But before that, I went into a two-week beach coma and tried being a tourist.

I have to admit those two weeks were the best. By then, I was running my business and working as an expat freelancer, but still managed to properly sabai and get my first tan.

While a shaved Russian taxi driver drove us to the airport, I looked at the last sunrise and already missed my short Thai life.

The driver told stories from life in Surgut, fiercely defended Thai culture and mentality. And a sharp shadow of a Celtic cross hanging on the rearview mirror fell on his bald head.